Day 31 - Torticollis and bullying...

Thank you, everyone, for your concern. I'm doing a lot better. Yesterday was so bizarre. It basically hurt to talk, swallow, yawn and burp (especially burp!). I told my manager I wouldn't be talking if that was okay with her so everything was done by email yesterday... or people coming to my desk and me typing into the computer to answer them lol. It was actually oddly soothing to do a 'silent retreat' at work. I should do that more often.

I went to the chiro in the afternoon and immediately felt better. She also confirmed it was muscular and specifically the sternocleidomastoid. She suggested I go for a massage at that point. Luckily my RMT was available that evening. He gave me an awesome massage; whole back, focusing on the upper neck area and shoulderblades (constant problem for me) and then the front part of the neck along with upper and lower chest regions. When he was about to start massaging the front part of my neck, he warned me it wouldn't be pleasant.... He wasn't kidding! It was really painful. But hey, no pain, no gain? He massaged me with black cumin, chamomile and laurel leaf essential oils! Mmmmm... I can still smell it! :) Black cumin is sooo yum! :) After the massage, I was told what I had is basically a form of torticollis.

My theory is: I either screwed up my neck whilst lifting boxes about 30 min before the pain first shot through my neck.... or, like Michelle and Carrie suggested, it could have been psychosomatic. I'm supposed to be around 15/14 years old right now, through the 'retracing' process.

I had the most aweful teenage years... I basically got bullied everyday from ages 9 through 15. I had insomnia and symptoms of PTS as a kid. I can't verbalize the feeling of dread that would overwhelm me as summer vacation came to an end... not knowing what bullies would be in my class that year or not knowing to what extent I would get beaten up or verbally assaulted. I grew up in a small town and being the only obviously gay kid in a school of 300 people, I became an easy target for that sort of thing.

While that's all a distant memory, I still live with a lot of that still. I sometimes expect for people to backstab me or conspire against me. I never had any friends throughout high school and, now as an adult, the feeling of having friends still feels strangely alien to me. When I hear people laughing on the bus, I immediately assume they're laughing at me. I guess that's what 6 years of chronic abuse will do to a person.

There's a positive side to all this; I'm a much more driven person... I left that small town and went to the city where people are much more open and less conservative and I've been independent ever since. I moved out at 16 and made a life for myself. I've been driven to succeed to prove those people wrong.

Anyway... enough about all that... It's just, I was thinking this morning... I couldn't associate this feeling in my throat to any injury I've ever had. The only exception is, it felt like when kids would pin me against the wall with their hands on my throat and try to strangle me. This feeling was very akin to feeling stifled. It's the only thing I can link it to. Maybe writing this all out, verbalizing it through my blog will help release these repressed feelings.

Today I had:

1.25L water+msm+lemon
1.25L celery/red chard/cilantro+E3live+kelp
1.25L apple/red cabbage
750L cantaloupe
500ml coconut water+E3live
1Tbsp bee pollen
(forgot to take my fats again! d'oh!)

Today I did:
Skin brushing
1 chiropractic adjustment
1 hour massage with essential oils

I finally managed to get some Chanca Piedra in tincture form shipped to Canada! I'm a bit late on it, but I figured I'd rather get it in tincture and take it a few days later (supposed to start on day 30) than to get it in capsule form.

I'm desperately trying to order Healthforce products (parasite formula for day 60 and intestinal drawing formula) but am also having the same 'shipping to canada' problem. I'm waiting on an email from a seller on bluejay.com... You'd think Americans don't realize we're right next door to them or something? It boggles my mind why they wouldn't ship to Canada!

Anyway! :)

- Ben

PS: Officially hit the "lost 20lbs" mark today! I was at 150.4lbs and I was super pissed because I've been waiting to hit 149 for days now.... so I went to pee, came back and I was at 150.0! LOL!